helpless feeling...
can't help but to have that kinda feeling..... maybe i am feeling moody again. i always find myself feeling small in crowds, unsure of where to stand, what to say, how to behave..... forever conscious of how people might think or look at me... the phrase "how i wish i can drill a hole and hide in there" suits me alOT!
since young i always have this phobia, whenever teacher call my name to answer any questions in class, my face flushed without hesitation... why am i always like that? had always been telling myself to control and yet, till today i still cannot overcome that strongest enemy within me.
even to my own classmates, like yesterday, tho' havent seen each other, like paulus or even bel, whom we once spent most of our time together in poly days, uncomfortably i dont know how to carry myself and what to say to them... just shy away in one corner uselessly, behaving like total strangers.
today again, went sentosa with birdy for their company family day, the same thing happened. tho' wanted to bring myself out of my circle, to hold a proper convey with another someone, i simply can't.....
at work, colleagues around me often comment i lack the confident in my face, that leads to....... always gana bully....... why why why am i so lousy???
birdy says is my lack of self confidence...... yes, i agree... very low self-confi, i have.... Anti-social? maybe? not that i wana to behave this way, i just cant help it. very much that i wana move out of my tiny circle, for so many many years, its still a ZERO in progress...
haiz...............
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